Last week, a couple of people forwarded me this link from Cracked magazine, which basically outlines some steps to becoming a published author in a “funny if it wasn’t so sad it was true” kind of a way. If you haven’t read the article I highly recommend it—I am definitely going to forward it to people who email/ call/ Tweet me, saying that they’re thinking of writing a book. I think the only thing I have to add is the sad fact that his story STARTS with him getting a publisher, which actually extends the actual steps in the process of getting publised to ten, because to get a publisher you have to put in a ton of hours and get tossed around and abused by the publishing industry, and this can take months if not years, so you’re actually LUCKY if you start where he started and end up just putting in enough hours so that you got paid $4.50/ hour. Most writers put in twice that time, meaning they make half the money. So, that’s fun.
Anyhoo, I thought the style that article was written in was so funny, over the weekend I made some lists of my own. Here is the one that I developed the most so far, and that Stephan said if I didn’t write up and put on here, he would cry.
Five Celebrities You Won’t Care About in Ten Years, and Why
Twenty years ago you thought Corey Haim was the bomb, and so did he. Ten years ago, everyone was convinced that Mischa Barton was going to be a huge star (and when I said she was a bad, bad actress with no future, I got a bunch of mean emails from a Mischa Barton fan forum. Who's crying now, Mischa Barton fan forum??). Since I seem to have an uncanny knack for picking out people who high on their own supply yet don’t have the talent to back it up and will therefore soon be irrelevant, I have composed this list of current celebrities to amuse you.
I think we can all agree that fame is a cruel mistress—more often than not, celebrities plaintively wail about how they can’t go anywhere or do anything without the paparazzi following them and invading their precious privacy.
You know what’s even sadder, though?
Celebrities who no one cares about anymore—one or two hit wonders who were swept up on a wave of popular opinion and then left, naked and shivering on the shores of real life. Here’s a list of people I think are going to wash up next!
1. The Kardashian Family. One thing is for sure—under Kris Kardashian’s expert business tutelage, this family will continue to roll in passive income for many years to come, long after no one gives a crap which pro athlete Kim Kardashian is banging or how many pounds Amazonian Khloe lost that week. The question is, will they be able to exist without the constant presence of the cameras in their lives? Like a tree falling in the forest or a bear shitting in the woods, it is possible that the Kardashian family is actually a representational celluloid construct that will disappear when there is no one there to witness it. Good thing they have all those fragrances, diet pills, and sex tapes to remember them by!
2. Pink. No, I’m not going to write her name P¡nk, because that requires me to do a special thing with my Microsoft Word, and that is just what she wants. Pink is one of those celebrities who is semi-famous and totally smug and entitled, but no one really knows why. She recently gave People Magazine the first crack at pictures of her new baby so the paparazzi wouldn’t follow her when she went out—further indication that Pink thinks she is Angelina Jolie. Pink is one of those celebrities who is famous because of a fluke, but who conducts herself like she is Aretha Franklin. Let’s face it—she’s not attractive, can’t sing much better than anyone on American Idol or The Voice, and she makes up for her lack of dance moves by performing death-defying acrobatics, which I'm guessing she's not going to want to do now that she is a mother.
I guess what I’m saying is, Pink is to the 2000s what Alison Moyet was to the 1980s—someone you will see at a state fair in 20 years while you’re eating a fried Twinkie, and your friend’s husband will lean over and whisper “Which one is Yaz?”
3. The Jersey Shore Cast. Remember that article about how hard it is to become a published author? You know who doesn’t know about even ONE of those steps?
Snooki.
Unfortunately for the cast of this show, they think that the life they’re leading right now is real life, and that this is how the world works. They think they can make money by simply drinking too much and hooking up in a bacteria-infested hot tub, then pointing and saying “Me want book deal!” or “Me take diet pills!” Five years from now, my money’s on Ron-Ron being an overweight used car salesman who cries in his cubicle between customers, J-Woww getting lupus from those giant, second-rate breast implants, and Snooki being stared at for being “That sad woman who works at my Duane Reade who is 4’11 and orange, at the checkout beside the woman with the crazy long fingernails.”
Sadly, there will be another, replacement group of no-talent turds in the spotlight by then, but at least these kids got to see Italy while people still gave a shit about them!
4. Heidi Montag. In case you haven’t already forgotten about her, Heidi Montag was the ok-looking girl with the big chin from the Hills who cut herself to look like Lana Turner (whoops) cut herself to look like a Playboy Playmate and still wasn’t good-looking enough to be one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends, who fake-divorced her equally fame-hungry husband Spencer Pratt who is mostly famous for his flesh-colored facial hair and overusing the word “bro.” These two are quickly aging out of the system like expired milk, and, without actual skills or the common sense God gave a chicken, they will soon be cooking up and overdosing on meth just for the chance to be on Celebrity Rehab, because ex-celebrities with no perspective are the only people who have not yet figured out that Dr. Drew is never going to let anyone on that show be more famous than him, even if he has to re-drug you himself. Dr. Drew WILL still be famous in 10 years, because, like that sucker fish that cleans the algae off the back of the whale or the bacteria in your gut that makes you poop, he is now inside the system and smart enough to A-always, B-be, C-commenting on the latest celebrity meltdown so he can dovetail on that celebrity’s brand equity (Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears), whether or not that meltdown has anything to do with his actual medical specialty.
Where was I? Oh, right—Heidi and Spencer. I actually don’t think it’s going to take ten years to forget about them. Moving on….
5. Janice Dickinson. Oh, wait, she can’t be on this list because no one cares about her now.
5. January Jones. Here is an example of a model who has no range, who got one big break and used it to give shitty interviews about Ashton Kutcher and other people she felt stood in the way of her success. How long can a model-turned-actress with very little talent last in a world that loves to see pretty people fall? Well, now she is pregnant and no one seems to care who the father is, so let’s see if she wises up, takes an acting class and goes to the gym, or if the next and last season of Mad Men is the last thing you ever see her in, after which she will be a single mom working at a diner, starring in a sad little play called “Did anyone ever tell you you look just like Betty Draper from Mad Men?”
Yes, it’s all very mean, and yes, I might be wrong about some of them. But I don’t think so. If you’d like to tell me how very wrong you think I am and how Heidi Montag is just misunderstood, go ahead and leave that in the comments, which I’m sure will be very entertaining. Otherwise let’s meet back here in ten years to see if anyone still cares about Snooki, shall we?
