I don’t know why—I have always, ALWAYS been that kind of person (like, ever since I was a little kid, seriously) who didn’t like to play with dangerous toys or do daredevil-like things or push the adventure envelope in any way—I guess this seems way more appropriate now that I am in my thirties, but sometimes that feeling is still so prominent, I have to laugh. For example: I was in a mall over Christmas, and there was this kiosk-booth type thing where they had all these remote control helicopters, and the kiosk-booth guys were actually flying them around, inside the mall, and I swear, instead of this having the effect of drawing me over to look at the remote control helicopters, it instead had the opposite, less-desirable effect of making me go “Oh my God—RUN!” because of course, in my mind I was the one person in the entire mall who would accidentally have their eye put out by a fancy remote control helicopter when I was just minding my own business.
I must admit, I do have this Woody Allen-esque sense that doom is right around the corner. Not proud, but there it is. I am that person who buys too much insurance, who drives really, really slow when there’s bad weather, and who does not like to tempt fate by saying things like “Everything is going so great—wow!” I’m sure this is a totally annoying quality to live with, but I do bring other strengths to the table, so don’t feel too bad for Stephan.
I actually started thinking about this over Christmas (right after the helicopter, actually), when I was talking to my dad about this new show called “Storage Wars.” Have you heard of it? Apparently some people make their living by buying other people’s abandoned storage units, going through them, and then selling what they find in there. I’m sure they are hoping to discover something like a rare gold dubloon buried underneath all that garbage, here are the things that go through my mind when I think of abandoned storage units:
- There’s a dead guy in there, or at least a head. Didn’t you people see Silence of the Lambs? The first clue to catching Buffalo Bill was the head in the formaldehyde in Dr. Lechter’s ABANDONED STORAGE UNIT. HELLO!
Side note: Yes, I realize the irony of the fact that an overly cautious (ok, paranoid) person like me would have seen Silence of the Lambs about a thousand times, but when you think about it, it totally makes sense. Scary stuff is out there, dude! At least Silence of the Lambs acknowledges it. Same thing with Se7en, another favorite.
2. Diseases. You are AT LEAST going to get tetanus from that abandoned storage unit, my friend. Are you up to date on all your shots? Oh, you’re not? How surprising, since you clearly make a great living foraging through other people’s abandoned storage units. Here are some other things you could probably catch (in my mind, at least): mold or fungus poisoning (Aspergillus comes to mind—what, you don’t watch House? Look it up.), Anthrax from some biohazard weapon someone (who is now in jail and has abandoned their storage unit) was building, the aforementioned tetanus from rusty abandoned storage unit things, such as those that might be described in a Tom Waits song, and also, general diseases from dark and stinky places that have been locked away for years.
3. Junk. Tons and tons, and TONS of junk. Not even your own junk, which is why people get storage units in the first place. I’m talking about other people’s junk, which somehow makes it even junkier. Every time I see an episode of Hoarders, I’m like “someone needs to go in there and set fire to that house,” and I can only imagine that this would also be my reaction to someone else’s storage unit. I’m sure it is true that every once in awhile some millionaire dies and leaves a storage unit full of gold bars and lucky you, but the other 99.999 % of the time, what you’ve got is ninety gajillion tons of junk that you now have to get rid of, or as Stephan aptly described it “a bunch of wicker furniture and boxes filled with out of print Rubert Ludlow novels.” So….you paid the storage unit company money for the privilege of taking their garbage to the dump for them. Super!
4. Bugs, mold, rodents, dead things, other smelly, germ-infested items. You know there is someone in the world who thought it would be a good idea to stockpile frozen dinners and military MREs for the Second Coming, then they died, and their storage unit is now abandoned. Good luck with that, Storage Wars guys.
Also, I probably should watch an episode so I know what I’m talking about here, but do they need HAZMAT suits to even go in and examine what’s in the storage units? That seems like it’s a situation that could get very dicey very quickly. Of course, I’m the one who won’t play with the remote control helicopter at the mall, so maybe I’m not the best judge of what one should wear to clean out a storage unit.
Speaking of HAZMAT suits, did you know that I actually own one? My father in law got it for me for Christmas the year before last, and it hangs proudly in my office. Here it is, for you to appreciate. Yes, it does in fact have my name on it, with the slogan “The Shit Stops Here.” This was given to me as a joke after I recounted a particularly scary task I had to perform as President of the HOA (yes, it did involve sewage, and yes, I did take several Silkwood-type showers after it was over). Believe me, if I ever decide to change careers and go into the “Abandoned Storage Unit Recovery” business, I am going to wear that suit every single day, and no, it’s not going to matter to me one bit that the other “Abandoned Storage Unit Recovery” people will make fun of me for this and not sit with me at lunch, because you know what?
Better. Safe. Than. Sorry.
