Listen, I am the first one in line to make fun of Charlie Sheen for being 45 years old and not being able to control himself, but I read an article the other day comparing Lindsay Lohan to Charlie Sheen, and wah wah wah why is the court system being so unfair to her, and why does she have to go to rehab whereas he can trash a hotel room with no ramifications, and I would like to tell you exactly why this is the case.
Friends, Charlie Sheen is allowed to misbehave with little to no consequences for one reason and one reason only: he is on a hit show and, despite his terrible habits, can still manage to get himself to work in the morning.
Charlie Sheen—he is a mess, but he still gets the job done, and therefore he is a valuable commodity which will be protected by lawyers and high-priced publicists. And while no, it’s not great for his image that he has domestic abuse issues and love love LOVES cocaine and ends up nude in hotel rooms when he goes on a family vacation, he has Big Network money behind him because Two and a Half Men is # 1, and for some reason (at least for now), he manages to get himself to work, whereas Lindsay Lohan a) can’t get work, b) doesn’t show up for work when she does get it, and c) is well known for doing a bad job and holding up production when she does show up, thereby rendering her uninsurable. Charlie Sheen can probably not pass a drug test, but he DOES HIS JOB, and really, in cynical entertainment industry terms, this is all that matters.
And that, my friends, is why Charlie Sheen is not in jail (in my opinion). Should he stop getting married? Yes he should. Even Denise Richards said so. Here's a thought– maybe hotels could put together what we'll call the "Charlie Sheen special," whereupon you would prepare the hotel room BEFORE Charlie Sheen arrives, perhaps by lining the room in some sort of durable plastic or visquene (Dexter style), putting pillows around sharp corners, and installing a person with a defibrillator somewhere close by, just in case he has the inevitable "allergic reaction to medication," occurs which, I'm sorry, could also be known as a "normal reaction to COCAINE," but I don't know that for sure so it's all just conjecture. I'm just saying, snakes bite, scorpions sting, and Charlie Sheen likes to get his load on and break shit and lock naked porn stars in closets. Why doesn't the Plaza Hotel have a whole file on this by now so that they can go on DEFCON 5 when he gets there? Just putting it out there. I also think the "Charlie Sheen Special" should involve a huge security deposit and some HAZMAT suits when all's said and done.
I’m not saying he SHOULD be doing the things he’s doing. What I’m saying is, when it starts to affect his ability to earn money for TV networks, this is when you will see him go to jail. Let’s hope he wises up before that.
I promise you, if Lindsay Lohan gets herself out of her current rehab/ jail situation and gets on a hit show, she will be able to do this same thing. The most important question is, how valuable is this person to the overall moneymaking scheme of Hollywood?
Speaking of my valuable insights, I have many thoughts on Kelsey Grammer's loathsome ex-wife (and current Desperate Housewife) Camille, and I am transcribing those from my notebook right now. Worst. Human. EVER! Also– so much celebrity news this week. Tony Parker cheating on Eva Longoria– what the WHAT? I promise you he is going to regret that one, even if it was only hundreds and hundreds of text messages to someone else's wife. Hiyooooooo!
