I think I’ve just now put my finger on what’s been bugging me about Angelina Jolie, and now I’m going to share it with you. Because you know, this is the kind of important stuff for which you’ve come to rely on me.
Is it just me, or is she like some kind of super
hero overachiever? Remember when she was
into Billy Bob Thornton and tattoos and kissed her brother at the Oscars? That was when she was a “weirdo,” and she
took that all the way to the extreme too, with the multiple tattoos and cutting
herself with knives and wearing his blood in a vial around her neck. I’m just saying, now she’s that same kind of
extremist, only with babies and good deeds.
It’s almost like she’s doing it on purpose. Think about it!
This latest revelation that she’s pregnant with twins has just
sent me over the edge. Um, does she not need
to sleep? Is she going to have a single
moment where she looks bad, or her ankles or swollen, or you see her screaming “JUST
SHUT UP ALREADY” to a screaming two year old? Nope. She’s perfect. She doesn’t lose her patience. She doesn’t get the eyebags I get when I get less than my court-mandated eight hours. It’s like, now she’s completely gone to the
other side—she’s a mother of almost six children, she’s a humanitarian, she
only makes movies she believes in—so, now she’s an EXTREME mother, and an
EXTREME humanitarian. I saw a picture of her at dinner the other
night in
she wasn’t just at dinner, ok? She was
at dinner with Brad Pitt, Mick Jagger, and Clint Eastwood. Dude! She can’t even EAT like a normal person.
I don’t know why this bothers me—she’s clearly got enough
money to support all those children, and her charity work is making the world a
better place. I don’t know—I guess I
just want her to be a little more human, you know? Like, a little less completely perfect in
every way. What I’m saying is, I want to
see her look frazzled, or exhausted, or have one day when she doesn’t look so
completely—Jolie. I am mildly comforted by this completely
unflattering dress she wore to the premiere of The Changeling in
come on! She’s super pregnant! It’s no fair even picking on her.
Plus, that’s probably the first time she’s ever looked even remotely questionable, and it’s only the dress that’s ugly– her face still looks great. So– meh.
I feel bad even talking about her—that’s how extreme her
power of good has become. Yikes!
