BY LORI CULWELL
OK, a couple of people took me to task for making light of Jodie Foster's (super awkward) coming out speech, so I will say this: I'm sorry Bob, you're right, coming out is always a brave and difficult thing, and if Jodie Foster was nervous and a little rambly, that's cool. If she inspired even one gay teenager to be more confident, or to talk to their parents, or to consider an option other than suicide, that is a positive. To be clear, though– I didn't say she shouldn't have come out. I simply said I thought that everyone probably knew she was gay already and we were all fine with it, but you're right, any coming out is a brave coming out, and I guess we should just overlook the whole weird "Mel Gibson factor" and throw our support her way. So, good for you, Jodie Foster!
Now that I've moved on from that, let me list some other things I found hilarious about the Golden Globes. Also, if you haven't read it already, you must absolutely go over and read Gawker's Golden Globe writeup, which is spot on and had us laughing so hard we almost had to pull the car over.
1. Lena Dunham (I know, you're all "this again?"), you are a big girl now, please learn to walk in heels. Or, maybe, the second time you go up to accept an award, when you know how badly the first time went, just go ahead and take off your shoes. You're Lena Dunham, wunderkind, for God's sake. No one will care if you're barefoot. Seriously– what was up with the hobbling? Was it, in fact, her first time walking in heels? Perhaps someone should have noticed this and anticipated a problem, no? Also, please watch Paul Rudd's face right after they announce that "Girls" is the winner. He so obviously does not like the show, and his face is just screaming "Please pan over to someone else."
Also, is now a good time to ask– where was Jemima Kirke? Isn't it a good idea to show up for the Golden Globes if you're on a hit show? Maybe she doesn't care about things like protocol because her father was the drummer for Bad Company.
2.
Jessica Chastain's whole dress/ hair getup: some people really liked this, and I felt like she looked like a futuristic George Washington hologram with saggy boobs. At one point I thought she was so gorgeous she could not do anything to make herself look bad, and apparently I was wrong. This is bad.
3. Why do I feel like Salma Hayak and Sofia Vergara's accents get stronger every year they are in America? Are they now over-emphasizing their accents for effect, or is it just me? I'm not even hating on them because I know English is their second language, and yes, I probably would sound absolutely ridiculous if I spoke only Spanish, but I kind of feel like both of them are trending toward Ricky Ricardo now. So….are we to believe that they can get acting training, but an accent coach is out of the question? I'm guess I'm just wondering why Salma Hayak is still so hard to understand, and the fact that hers was the segment that the teleprompter guy botched did not help things at all, because she is also not a good improver. Here's the clip of her saying "something about the best….uhhhh…."
4. Taylor Swift is making this bitchface because she's been touring all year and dating publicly (which she is certainly not doing for publicity, y'all!), and despite all this effort, who wins the Golden Globe? Oh, that's right, it's Adele, who has been hanging out at home with her newborn baby and basically not doing anything career-related. That face you see is Taylor Swift's robot brain shorting out, because not being stick thin + not talking about yourself as Adele does DOES NOT COMPUTE DOES NOT COMPUTE DOES NOT COMPUTE TAYLORBOT MUST WIN EVERYTHING. Here's the clip, in case you didn't see it. Watch for the bitchface!
Stay tuned for the thinly-veiled song on her next album about how she's been wronged.
5. Anne Hathaway, oh my God. Can we just stop encouraging her? Anne Hathaway bugs me so much for many reasons, not least of which is the fact that she reminds me of super overdramatic musical theater people who are like, paper-thin and tearful all the time. Also, her eyes are too big, and Stephan always says that her face looks like she belongs in Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun" video, which you can watch here.