(Full disclosure: I wrote this post with Stephan, who is editing it. He’s going to say some offensive stuff, but he promises to put it in italics so that you know it’s him and not me. I’m trusting him on this.)
Dear Amanda Bynes,
OK, you have our attention. We've turned off our cellphones, we're sitting down, and we're listening. What, exactly, do you want? We're scared for you (Translation: You’re acting like a stupid, spoiled little bitch). Your increasingly erratic behavior behind the wheel is so obviously a cry for help, and so, right here and now, let's have it. What is bothering you exactly?
This driving thing has taken on a life of its own, Amanda, and I'm going to be totally honest with you here because I know you were a child star and maybe have lacked a strong parental influence. (Or who knows? Maybe you had a couple of Lohans for parents. In which case, at least we’d know where this shit is coming from. Maybe it’s time to introduce us!)
Amanda, if you keep going in this way (and by "this way" I mean driving around despite an erratic couple of months, six car accidents, a DUI, your license being suspended, and your Tweeting Barack Obama to "fire the guy that pulled you over," eventually your luck is going to run out. You are going to hurt yourself, or God forbid, kill yourself or someone else (but, really, we’re mostly concerned for the “someone else”), and then you will be forced to live with the consequences of a mid-twenties meltdown for the rest of your life.
Seriously. The other day the paparazzi photographed you smoking pot behind the wheel of your car, which you were not supposed to be driving anyway because your license is suspended. Amanda! Go to your room! If you can't act like an adult, then those privileges will be taken away.
Here is my armchair psychologist attempt to interpret this "acting out" behavior.
1. You said you were retiring a couple of years ago, and yet you are still in Los Angeles. You know you can leave, right? There are plenty of other nice cities (LOS ANGELES IS A TOXIC HELL HOLE! TO ANYONE READING THIS WHO LIVES THERE: GET THE F*CK OUT OF THERE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A SOUL!). Also, if you have decided not to retire, could we recommend New York City? At least then you go out at night and drink your face off, but you could use public transportation. (This works absolutely just great for me.)
2. You are depressed or bipolar, and are self-medicating with booze and pot because you need an intervention. Great! I'm sure Dr. Drew or Dr. Phil would be happy to step in, (Read: Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil are both depraved sycophants would drive over a mile of children who are dying of cancer just to get to your bedside and have some airtime) and then, when you are better, you can do a big "Child Star Wins Battle Against Mental Illness" interview on Katie Couric's new show (provided it’s still on by then), and then you'll be ready for a comeback. If Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have taught us anything, it's that there is always room for a comeback kid (but let’s be honest: mostly Britney). We are rooting for you (Lori is rooting for you. I just think you’re hot and should knock off the shit), but trust me–the minute you really hurt an innocent person by continuing to drive this way, all of your chances will be gone. (You will be in f*cking prison. Wearing orange. Which, let’s be honest, looks good on no one. Ladies? Am I right?)
3. Someone told you there is "no such thing as bad publicity." If you are paying this person, please fire them. You have not been working regularly enough to act like this, and your current behavior is not lending any confidence or credibility to your brand. In fact, you are becoming (as they say), uninsurable. How is a casting director supposed to hire you when they can't be sure you'll even be able to get yourself to the set? No TV show is going to want to be associated with this behavior. (Also, didn’t you “retire?” And didn’t no one give a shit?) Let us recall the Charlie Sheen breakdown of 2011, the apex of which was him getting fired from Two and a Half Men. Yes, he did rebound and now has another show, but let's be clear– HE WAS ON A HIT SHOW when his breakdown started. You do not currently have a hit show and are therefore not generating revenue for a network, and as such, you are not a protected asset. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but this is really, REALLY not a good time for you to be doing stuff like this.
4. You don't think the law applies to you because being famous when you are young warps your mind. Again, that's fine (NO IT’S NOT), but you are going to need to wake up before you really hurt someone, because even though Hollywood goes in warp speed and you probably FEEL 45 years old, you are in reality only in your mid-twenties (and already getting botox and plastic surgery, from the looks of it. F*cking LA), which means it's going to be a very long rest of your life if you do something now that you'll have to live with until you're ninety (Provided the coke you’re probably also doing doesn’t short out your heart.)
In closing, and I am being totally serious here (In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not), can someone please help this girl? Her parents, or a doctor, or even Dr. Drew should be doing something. (He’d be there now if only your Q-ratings and IMBD star meter were higher, Amanda. Bottom line: just grow up already and cut the shit.)