Where I Unpack America’s Hatred for Tom Brady
Lots of entertaining football on yesterday, not least of which was the unceremonious defeat of my imaginary nemesis Tom Brady, whose Patriots will NOT be playing in the Superbowl. Tom Brady bugs me because he’s a handsome multimillionaire athlete with a supermodel wife, and I know it makes me sound petty, but he just looks like a guy to whom everything comes a little too easily. Is that wrong to say? His hair is too perfect, he’s too tall, his face is too smug—I just don’t like him, and I think many people share this sentiment. but don’t say it for fear of sounding all “sour grapes.” So, in case you don’t want to say it out loud, let me be your surrogate. Tom Brady is annoying because he’s too perfect and too successful and it doesn’t seem like he’s had to struggle to get where he is. Yes, I know that some people will comment on here that he DIDN’T make it to the Superbowl on numerous occasions, and that he (gasp!) didn’t start every game in college and hired a sports psychologist to help him deal with his frustration, and that is fine, I hear you. I’m just saying, I feel like a famous quarterback needs to be inspirational, and Tom Brady is more aspirational, meaning even when he loses his football game, he is still better looking than you, and richer than you, and taller than you, and he is not like you in any way and never will be.
I think this is why people also dislike Martha Stewart so much. When you really break it down, it just seems wrong to be so good looking you can choose between being a model and another fantastic, successful career. Like, ok, we get it—you’re great looking. We have a place in society for great looking people, and that place is “model/ actor.” If you’re then going to be super-successful at something else, like football, or business, or singing, this pushes us over into “I Hate You” territory, because it’s just too much to take.
In other football news, did you catch this poor security guard getting tackled in the middle of the Niners-Falcons game yesterday? If not, here is the footage (don’t worry, it’s not gory or anything. If anything, it’s more of a pratfall).
Ouch! So, this guy has just caught my attention as having a super-sucky job. He’s on the sidelines of awesome football games, in the cold, but he’s actually not allowed to watch the games because his whole job is guarding the field. Yesterday, as if to make matters worse, he gets in the line of fire of a football play, it happens so fast no one has the chance to tell him to move, and they call a time-out until they can figure out if he’s ok. As far as I can tell, he IS ok—the angle of the fall must have just knocked the wind out of him, because it took him a minute to get up. But, dude— it’s cold outside, and he’s just trying to do his job, and then he’s flat on his back, and now people are re-playing it for all eternity on YouTube. Super. Also, could Jones (# 11, the guy who knocked him out) not have even stayed to see if he was ok? Add him to the list of rude and douchey football players that have incurred my wrath.
I supposed this story could only have been worse if it was Tom Brady that knocked the guy out.
PS No, I will not be recapping that terrible episode of Saturday Night Live. Jennifer Lawrence was not funny, that show is not funny, I can now only make it through a few sketches before I have to turn it off. Instead, I will point you back to my multi-phasic proposal for reviving SNL, which I still think is valid and which I still think they really, really need to consider.