People of Los Angeles– Your Dog Belongs on a Leash

I purposely didn’t post yesterday, to give my excellent news a chance to be at the very top for one more day.  That’s ok, right?  If you didn’t see my news, you should scroll down.  It’s really worth it.  In fact, this photo is a still life taken at my celebration dinner at my new favorite L.A. restaurant, Bandera.  I like to call this one "Still Life With Ketchup and Worcester Sauce."   Because really, you can never have enough of these two items.

Today I’m back, though, and I’m all riled up about people in Los Angeles walking their dogs off the leash.  I don’t get this compulsion to pretend you live in Wyoming or something, where dogs are free to roam and scratch.  It’s L.A., ok?   You have, like, a two-foot sidewalk on which to walk your dog, and on the other side of the sidewalk?  The street.  Right there.  Where cars go.  Cars that can run over your dog.  Who should be on a leash. 

I know, people are all aggro, like "I voice-command trained my dog, so I shouldn’t have to have him on a leash."  Whatever.   Even if my dog were trained by that drill sargeant guy from Full Metal Jacket (who I happen to know is named F. Lee Ermy), I wouldn’t trust him off the leash in a million years.  You know why? 

Because he’s a dog.  He doesn’t know right from wrong.  He likes to chase squirrels, and sniff other dogs, and generally get into stuff.  That’s why he’s on a leash when he goes outside, and not walking upright, arm in arm with me, enjoying a nice coffee beverage.  He’s not my lunch date or my charming dinner companion.  He’s my dog. 

I saw THREE people today, walking their dogs off-leash all nonchalantly, like "what?  My dog is accompanying me on an afternoon stroll."  I don’t like being that person, like "Hey man– why don’t you be more responsible," so instead I do the totally passive-aggressive thing and cross to the other side of the street, while giving the dog owner a look that indicates how much I think they suck. 

Actually, I probably shouldn’t worry about this, because this is a problem that will eventually solve itself.  One day, those dogs who are supposedly voice-trained are going to run AFTER my dog when I cross to the other side of the street. 

And then? 

Oh yeah.  Dog Darwinism. 

And finally–on a totally different subject–there’s a joke in here somewhere, but I’m too classy to make it:

Former adult film star-turned-actress Traci Lords,
39, and her husband Jeff Lee have welcomed a son, Joseph Gunnar, who weighed in at 6 lbs, 14 oz.

Um, good for her.  Let’s just leave it at that.

• Category: People Baffle Me Sometimes