Funny Strange is Lori Culwell's blog.

Toyota Across America!

Toyota has been getting a lot of bad press lately, so I will combine an update as to where I’ve been for the past few weeks with a plug for my Toyota Prius, which I think has now been deemed The Greatest Car I Have Ever Owned.  I don’t care what the media says—I am going to keep driving that car forever, because that’s how much I love it.

And why this love affair with the Prius, you might ask?  Oh, it might have something to do with the fact that yesterday we arrived on the east coast, where we have relocated for at least the next year, and for the past ten days or so, I have been driving, in the Prius, WITH THE DOG, in the winter, across America.  That’s right.  3,000 miles.  In a Toyota.  In winter.  We are here, we are alive, and when I tally up the total that we spent on gas, you will laugh. 

First, the reason:  this move has been a long time in coming, as you may or may not know.  We originally moved to Los Angeles in 2004 for what was supposed to be a year, and ended up staying there for six.  Now, I know some people are all “pro Los Angeles” and they love the weather and would never dream of leaving, but for some reason it just really didn’t work for us, so we started thinking about making a change at the end of last year, and then things kind of fell into place finally, and then—BLAMMO!  I was on the road with a 75 pound arthritic dog.   

In case you’re wondering why we don’t just fly the dog, he’s big, and old, and very sensitive, and because of his size he would have to fly in the cargo hold of the plane, and ….that just really wasn’t going to work for me.  We actually drove him out to California when we moved there in ’04, and he did fine.  So, I knew it could be done, but now he’s even older, and it’s winter, and that is really a lot of factors to factor in when you’re trying to work, and drive, and make sure the dog doesn’t freeze while you run in to get a sandwich.  You know what I’m saying?

“Road trip with large dog during winter”—sounds like the elevator pitch for a wacky comedy where “chaos ensues,” right?  Mostly he does well in the car, sleeping for long periods of time, but I have to say it is very hard to sneak a large dog into a hotel during the winter—most of the nicer chains have a 45 pound weight limit for dogs, so I was forced to become very inventive.    Let’s just say that at one point I covered him up with a Burberry scarf and rushed him out the freight elevator.  No, I am not making this up.  This trip was so long, I have to do the recap in installments, so I will start with the first few days.

So, where did I go?  From Los Angeles I went to San Diego, where I visited friends, saw clients, and tried to recover from moving all the stuff out of my house during a pouring rain storm in Los Angeles, where I got wet, and the movers got wet, and the dog got wet, and I’m not going to lie, there was some crying.  Did you know that you will never be able to accurately estimate the amount of stuff you have left versus the amount of space in your car?  Well, you won’t.  You will have to throw things away at the last minute so that the dog can lay down in the back seat.  That is the law.   So, thank you to Dan and Sarah, and Matt and Jared, and sorry I was so late for dinner.  Did I mention there was a rainstorm and a traffic jam?  Yeah, good times.

Next I moved east to Palm Desert, where I am from and where I wanted to hang out a little before beginning the epic journey.  I ended up staying a few days in my friend Brook’s guesthouse, and I swear I was about to become her Kato Kaelin that place is so nice.   There I saw high school friends, enjoyed the weather, and plotted out the great Toyota Across America trip.

Next installment:  I go to Santa Fe New Mexico and have dinner with a famous person.  You’re dying to know, aren’t you?

Locked Up Abroad, for Being a Bonehead

Listen, I know I am a website expert and all, but don't bother telling me that my blog has formatting problems, because it's on TYPEPAD and TYPEPAD IS WEIRD and yet I can't fix it because it's five years old and the links are so entrenched in the search engines that I would have to redirect every single one of them by hand if I switched over to the Wordpress backend I would like to switch over to, so that's just not happening.  I barely even have time to transfer the posts from the notebook, ok?   A whole platform switch with a bunch of reformatting?  Not going to happen.  So, get used to the big type/ small type/ entries being repeated problem, because in fact, the cobblers children have no shoes.

So-- the other day I was watching an episode of that show "Locked Up Abroad," even though I swore to myself that I would never do that, because YIKES.  I am always a nervous-type traveler anyway, like I'm going to be at a bazaar in a foreign country, and I'll be buying some beads or a stylish knick-knack, and suddenly I'll be in the slammer with no recourse because the beads actually had cocaine on them or something, or those were the sacred beads of their leader and I bought them without knowing, and then the joke will be on me.  Actually, I kind of always think this is going to happen, whether I'm traveling or not.

Right now, my husband is shaking his head like "Do you see the crazy I have to live with?"  Yes, this is his life.  

Anyhow, Locked Up Abroad-- not at ALL what I thought.  Turns out, it should be called "Locked Up for Being a Bonehead," because the guy they interviewed was caught trying to smuggle 2,400 grams of cocaine out of ECUADOR.  Yes, yes, it involved a nefarious scheme and a hotel room and his having to just take a bag of something to the airport for a local stranger, but COME ON.  If you are in Ecuador, and someone talks to you about a situation involving drugs, seriously-- RUN TO THE EMBASSY, because you are going to end up on Locked Up Abroad.  This is not going to work out for you, ok?  And then what happened to this guy will happen to you-- namely, you will go to prison, IN ECUADOR, for being a bonehead.   And they're interviewing the guy, and I'm thinking "how did you even get to Ecuador?  You are a bonehead."  He's in ECUADORIAN PRISON for three years, and God only knows what kinds of inhumane things happened to him there, and they finally let him out and he's back in the United States being interviewed for this show, and do you know what he's been doing since he got out?

He's been trying to stay sober, that's what.  Because the typical "touch a hot plate and get burned" teaching method didn't work on him (getting burned being the "going to prison in Ecuador" part of the story), he KEPT DOING DRUGS when he got out.     And, I don't even care if he's trying to dull the memories of what happened to him in Ecuadorian prison by taking drugs now, because guess what?  If I got caught with 2,400 grams of coke and then went to prison in Ecuador, YOU COULDN'T PAY ME TO TOUCH ANOTHER DRUG.   Why aren't the drugs giving him prison flashbacks?  WHY?

Because he's a bonehead, that's why.  And now I'm writing about him. 

More Hoarders, and how I was dissed by a French film director

Once again, I have been writing these updates in my notebook, and then transcribing them becomes a burden, and I figure “ I already wrote that” so it doesn’t actually get to you until later. 

Here is one I wrote last week, when I was giving away some office furniture FOR FREE on Craig’s List as part of Operation Don’t Become a Hoarder.  Oh, and did I mention that I happened to see an episode of Hoarders where the woman hoards EXPIRED FOOD, and WILL EAT IT IF IT’S NOT TOO PUFFY?   I’m going to let you just imagine the silent scream my face was frozen in while I could NOT LOOK AWAY from this absolute horror of a house.  Let me put it this way—the professional cleaner, a guy who works in waste management and has probably seen everything once, had to leave the house because he THREW UP.  That’s how much rotten food she had in there.  That would make a germaphobe out of even you, Rachel. 

So, yeah.  She hoards food that’s spoiled, because she’s afraid she’ll go back to being poor and never have food to eat again.  Of course, she’s missing the point that getting botulism from eating a yogurt that expired six months ago is going to make you DEAD, not just poor.  But, that woman haggled over every expired and molded morsel in her house, and then I had to take a Silkwood shower to expunge these images from my mind.  Me, with my expired food OBSESSION.  Why would I watch this?

So, back to the point.  This is one you can file under “Only in Los Angeles.”  The other day I put an ad on Craig’s List for some office furniture.  I got a bunch of calls and some emails, and one of them was from a semi-famous French film director with a recognizable name.    I had been going back and forth with a few people about when they could pick it up, and did they have a friend they could bring because I didn’t want them to scratch my precious staircase, and then his email popped up.  Because I recognized the name, I emailed him back and said “Hey, is this <semi-famous French film director> from <obscure film that is not his best known work, but is my favorite>?  If it is, that was a good movie.  What do you want to know about the furniture?”

And then, people, HE DIDN’T WRITE ME BACK.  NOT A WORD.  He Craig’s List dissed me over FREE office furniture, after I complimented his work. 

What.  A. Douche.  I probably wouldn’t have given him the furniture to him anyway, but to not even answer a compliment?  That is not right.  Dude, I’ve written some books, and I swear to you I answer EVERY nice email someone sends me about my work, because being a creative type and getting your stuff out there is hard, and I really appreciate it when someone takes a minute out of their busy lives to actually say something nice about something I created.

But, to double-diss me, after I not only complimented him, but was willing to talk to him about my free office furniture that technically had been claimed by someone else?  THAT IS WRONG.

And so I will say to this semi-famous French film director, I DID like that movie I mentioned.  But, I thought the other one, the one with Jim Carrey in it, was poorly cast and didn’t have a cohesive enough narrative to hold my attention.  And also, what are you doing looking for free office furniture on Craig’s List, then dissing people who give you compliments?  That is just rude.

 

Once again, I have been writing these updates in my notebook, and then transcribing them becomes a burden, and I figure “ I already wrote that” so it doesn’t actually get to you until later. 

Here is one I wrote last week, when I was giving away some office furniture FOR FREE on Craig’s List as part of Operation Don’t Become a Hoarder.  Oh, and did I mention that I happened to see an episode of Hoarders where the woman hoards EXPIRED FOOD, and WILL EAT IT IF IT’S NOT TOO PUFFY?   I’m going to let you just imagine the silent scream my face was frozen in while I could NOT LOOK AWAY from this absolute horror of a house.  Let me put it this way—the professional cleaner, a guy who works in waste management and has probably seen everything once, had to leave the house because he THREW UP.  That’s how much rotten food she had in there.  That would make a germaphobe out of even you, Rachel. 

So, yeah.  She hoards food that’s spoiled, because she’s afraid she’ll go back to being poor and never have food to eat again.  Of course, she’s missing the point that getting botulism from eating a yogurt that expired six months ago is going to make you DEAD, not just poor.  But, that woman haggled over every expired and molded morsel in her house, and then I had to take a Silkwood shower to expunge these images from my mind.  Me, with my expired food OBSESSION.  Why would I watch this?

So, back to the point.  This is one you can file under “Only in Los Angeles.”  The other day I put an ad on Craig’s List for some office furniture.  I got a bunch of calls and some emails, and one of them was from a semi-famous French film director with a recognizable name.    I had been going back and forth with a few people about when they could pick it up, and did they have a friend they could bring because I didn’t want them to scratch my precious staircase, and then his email popped up.  Because I recognized the name, I emailed him back and said “Hey, is this <semi-famous French film director> from <obscure film that is not his best known work, but is my favorite>?  If it is, that was a good movie.  What do you want to know about the furniture?”

And then, people, HE DIDN’T WRITE ME BACK.  NOT A WORD.  He Craig’s List dissed me over FREE office furniture, after I complimented his work. 

What.  A. Douche.  I probably wouldn’t have given him the furniture to him anyway, but to not even answer a compliment?  That is not right.  Dude, I’ve written some books, and I swear to you I answer EVERY nice email someone sends me about my work, because being a creative type and getting your stuff out there is hard, and I really appreciate it when someone takes a minute out of their busy lives to actually say something nice about something I created.

But, to double-diss me, after I not only complimented him, but was willing to talk to him about my free office furniture that technically had been claimed by someone else?  THAT IS WRONG.

And so I will say to this semi-famous French film director, I DID like that movie I mentioned.  But, I thought the other one, the one with Jim Carrey in it, was poorly cast and didn’t have a cohesive enough narrative to hold my attention.  And also, what are you doing looking for free office furniture on Craig’s List, then dissing people who give you compliments?  That is just rude.

 

Heidi Montag: What the what?

 So, oh my God, did you see the People Magazine this week with Heidi Montag and all the plastic surgery?  It is so disturbing, I barely know where to begin.   Of course I had to buy it, just because I was grossly fascinated, even though yes, I know, when we contribute to Spiedi, we all lose.  But-- wow.  For one thing, she ADMITS that she's addicted to plastic surgery, but she's not really admitting it, because she's, like, totally going to get more, you know?  It's part of her career, you know?  Never mind that she looks like a completely different, freaky person.

I have the following questions about this:

1.  What on earth is a doctor thinking, operating that much on a 23 year old?  That does not seem safe, I don't care what they say.   Huge boobs and a brow lift?  Now I think I might just have seen everything.

2.  She told her family she was sick over the Christmas holiday, and nobody went to her house?   What the what?    Would they have come in, like, "oh my God Heidi-- what happened to your boobs?"

3.  Speaking of her boobs, she says that DDD was the biggest they could make her them right then, but she's for sure going back for more.  Seriously, shouldn't there be a law?   This is turning into Michael Jackson all over again, only without the talent.  I'm just scared.  She is just about to have the worst backache in the history of the world, and I am going to laugh.

4.   Why is People Magazine covering this?  I'm not sure I'm really able to correctly understand their angle.  They know that she's doing this for publicity, and that even the mitigating headline "ADDICTED TO PLASTIC SURGERY" doesn't really negate the fact that they have validated this choice by putting her on the cover of their magazine. 

5.  Have we learned nothing from Brittany Murphy?   I'm not even being tongue in cheek about that one.  This just seems like another pretty young girl who was driven to insanity and self destruction by the Hollywood machine.  Yiiiikes!

By the way, on a totally irrelevant note, we are still on the Hoarders-inspired "Operation Throw Everything Out," and we're now up to three carloads of stuff to charity and over ten trashbags full of shredded paper.  Yay! 

Yes, that's right.

Today is my birthday, and I will be celebrating by working, enjoying my Facebook and Twitter birthday wishes, then eating a fancy steak dinner and probably some cupcakes, then some birthday drinks at Sushi Roku in Santa Monica if you want to come by.  I would wax on about how much knowledge and life experience I've gained in the past couple of years and how sometimes life gives you lemons and you have to suck it up and make lemonade, but I am too busy getting a manicure and eating pancakes for lunch.  Can you see how this birthday is very food-focused?   For awhile I wasn't that into my birthday, because a few years ago, my birthday was the start of the worst year of my entire life, but now I've worked through that bad association and am ready to have fun again.   Food is fun, right?

Also, I went to a great birthday party over the weekend-- my childhood friend is the actor Marco Sanchez (from CSI and like, just about every other show on tv), and his birthday is very close to mine, and his parties are always so fun that I like to pretend they are actually combined parties for both of our birthdays, because people always wish me happy birthday too, and I didn't have to plan or stress out about the party, which I don't like doing.  So, here are some pictures from that, and a clip of Marco on CSI Miami to embarrass him and entertain you.   I would call out some of the people in the pictures, but I'm probably supposed to be all cool and not do that.    But, just in case they're reading this, it was nice to see you Don, and Tim, and Alex, and all of Marco's other cool friends.  See you next year!

  

So, happy birthday to me!   Cakes and flowers may be sent to my house between the hours of 9 and 4.  :)