Okay, we've finally finished watching season two of Orange Is the New Black, and just like season one, it was awesome. There are going to be a bunch of spoilers in this post (SPOILERS! SERIOUSLY! MIND-BENDINGLY AWFUL SPOILERS AHEAD!), so if you haven't watched it, now is your time to pull the ripcord and bail out. Don’t come crying to us later saying we didn’t warn you.
So. Now that we have the place to ourselves, you know how there was this whole storyline with a hunger strike and a list of demands? Well, after watching this season, we had a few (relatively minor) issues with the show, so we thought we’d make our own list of demands.
Dear Jenji Cohen,
First off, we’d like to start by saying how much we love your show. It’s well written and full of complex characters who all too often get relegated to the background. Well done.
That said, there are a few ways we think it could be even better. And until you meet these demands, we will be holding a hunger strike. And by that, we mean, we won’t be eating any prison food. Are we clear? We mean business.
1. Please get a dialect coach to work with Morello on her weird accent. She sounds like Edith Bunker swallowed Betty Boop. It's distracting. Also, she’s a good actress and all, but couldn’t you find any actresses who are actually from Long Island? It’s kind of a big place. Did you look?
2. Same goes for Miss Rosa. This is probably a moot point, since I’m sure she’s supposed to have died shortly after she creamed Vee’s ass with that van, but if she lives for whatever reason, please have someone work with her on that accent. We were genuinely shocked when the past version of her turned out to be Puerto Rican or Venezuelan or whatever. We had her pegged as Polish. Maybe Latvian? In any event, maybe you could just put the main actress together with the younger version of herself to make sure they sound the same. Hey, it worked for Annakin Skywalker. Well, not really. But you get the point.
3. Lest you think this list of demands is all about accents, please give Natasha Lyonne some eyebrows. Because gross.
4. Have Figueroa arrested and sent to prison. Dammit! This one seriously pissed us off. You had this whole narrative arc with her being crazy corrupt, plus there was all that foreshadowing (the orange blanket across her lap in the bedroom scene where she’s trying to get pregnant? Hello?), and yet somehow, you never paid it off. Yes, yes, her husband is having a gay relationship, and yes, you did make her give Caputo a nasty hummer. But the whole thing was deeply unsatisfying. Pay this off. Or no prison food for us! Attica! Attica!
5. Tone down Crazy Eyes. This one is probably a lost cause, since she just won an Emmy, but her performance is WAY OVER THE TOP. And, look, it’s great that you’re exploring the theme of correctional institutions as temporary solutions for the mentally ill. But that actress is chewing more scenery than Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. HOO-WAH! Dial it back.
6. For the love of God, please get rid of Soso. Or at least throw her in the SHU for the whole season. We’re about ready plant a screwdriver on her and then call the warden ourselves. Good lord. Who knew that the way to make hippies more annoying was to lock them up? Anyway, that’s it.
Meet our demands or… Oh, whatever. It’s an awesome show. We’ll probably keep watching either way.
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Robert L. Forbes Website of Robert L. Forbes, children's book author. Check it out!